Yesterday, I realised I want to change.

A few friends told me once that although I have said these words before, I have never really attempted to change my outlook on life, as well as the 'afflictions' I always believed were inherent and as a result, unchangeable.

Well, now I'm starting to realise that simply wishing to be a better person is not going to get me anywhere. To truly want to change, one must first change one's actions; there is no other first step. There should be no putting it off until tomorrow, no excuses about self weakness and character flaws or extraneous circumstances, but instead acknowledgment of these faults and a deep set desire to genuinely alter them.

Lately, I've been the unfortunate recipient of some very blunt and rather cruel comments; however, once I got past my anger, I really started to think; maybe they have a point. Otherwise, why else would I be angry? Was is self righteous anger, or perhaps annoyance that was masking guilt?

Either way, only one person knows how truly bad I feel, and that I'm actually trying to fix my mistakes for the first time in my life. She knows who she is. :) It's always hard to face your own demons, but I guess once you truly decide to, there's only one way to go.

I ask you this: why do some people feel the need to lie and/ or exaggerate situations simply to their own advantage? Disregarding other's feelings, causing commotion and unneccessary trouble, it is a wonder that some don't get found out for who they are before they actively seek to destroy someone else's happiness.

Argh, people confuse me.

As has been pointed out to me by my very honest parents, (often brutally so), I have what you could refer to as a problem with accepting criticism. No, it is not in the sense that I believe that I am better than everyone else, and therefore exempt from receiving any truthful insights into my 'flawless' character; it's more the fact that I consider most constructive criticisms, or even advice, to be a personal attack.

Now, I'm no psychologist. But even I can understand that that is not necessarily a normal reaction. So naturally, when my parents informed me that I am, in fact, still a child and consequently, it is still their duty to educate and raise me, I should gladly accept their 'advice' on everything from how I dress and eat to what I should be doing this weekend and thank them for their wonderful and oh-so-welcome penetration into my life.

But alas, I digress. This issue has been brought to my attention recently by a new friend, a friend who knows me very well already. And as much as it pains me to admit it, yes, I know that I can be tactless and rash, and snap when it is unnecessary. Similarly, I have received some comments on my other blog that carry some grain of truth amidst the sarcasm and the both creative, and not so creative, insults.

So lesson no. 126785 in life: learn to accept criticism and not get so angry :D

Yesterday, I saw 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button', and, as I suspected, it was a beautiful movie.

Impressive in both its simplicity and fantasy, the narrative focused on how we evolve as people, and how each one of us is unique in their own way. Age was obviously also a prominent feature of the movie, following Benjamin's strange beginnings all the way throughout his life. While watching it, I realised that for the first time, I did now know how the movie would end. Nor did I know HOW I wanted it to finish. However, once it came down to it, the story finished perfectly, and just as beautifully as I would have liked it to. It wasn't a dramatic ending, nor was it an action packed, fantasy filled film; it was simply another portrayal of love, friendship and the hardships of human nature through the eyes of one special individual.

Watching it, I went through all these stages within my own mind. First, I was filled with despair at the thought of getting old. It's not something I am ready to face, and I imagine that it's a fact of life that I won't be able to reconcile myself with until I'm much, much older. At least, I hope so. I remember something my mum told me a few years ago while I was watching her apply anti- wrinkle creams and specially formulated makeup to help prevent the ageing of skin. She said:
"You look at yourself in the mirror, and you see yourself getting older, even though inside, you still feel 20 years old."

I don't know if that's just her view, but it scared me, because I have always assumed that when I became older, I would be ready for it mentally. I would accept it, and even embrace it, content with the knowledge that I had lived my life to the best of my ability, and now I had all this time to look forward to a happy retirement with the ones I loved. I guess everyone takes life and its stages differently.

But also, during the movie, I was also filled with unexpected excitement, especially as I saw Benjamin begin to truly live his life as he 'aged'. He visited Paris, Russia, America and many other countries, experimenting with different jobs and experiencing various cultures. It just got me thinking how much I still want to do, and how much there still IS to do. There is more to life than finishing university, getting a job and starting a family, all the while saving up for your retirement.

I guess that's just my two cents.

Recently having read a fantastic blog entry by one of my closest friends, I realised, for the millionth time, that nothing makes me happier than reading and writing. Her entry, as superb in its use of language as it was for the depth of feeling and true honesty she revealed, is really the type of writing I should be focusing on; self exploration through prose.

So, V, thanks for the inspiration, and I think I'll do a similar re cap of my years thus far. Your emotional and frank recollections actually tugged on a few heartstrings, because although I certainly knew the general gist of your troubles, I didn't quite begin to grasp their significance and the toll they took on you until of late.

Now, me.

2005:

From what I remember, it was the year of VCE, of study scores and of slowly becoming adult. It was also a time where I first began to feel the very cliched and common pain of heartbreak, and the slow disintegration of a relationship with a person I loved very much, even if I did not know it. In terms of friends, I was still close to a girl I thought was honest and kind, and did not give much thought to any stories circling around me. I was very naive, and in my ignorance, I mist admit, I lived a reasonably content life.

2006:

A year I would not repeat, ever. It was the most confusing and painful time of my life, a time I had absolutely no idea who I was, what I wanted and where I was heading. I was a mess; I cared for nothing. I immersed myself in the world of books, lost myself in the stories of other, happier characters. I lost friends and sought solace in the arms of boys, who did nothing for me. I studied my heart out; never had I, or have I since, put in as much energy, time, effort and heart into my studies as I did in year 12. Driven partly by ambition and partly by the need to forget my life, I never enjoyed school more. I have also never loved anyone as much since that time.

2007:

The start of new beginnings!! With the start of University and the promise of a whole new life, I was filled with an optimism I have not felt since year 9. Finally, I was pursuing something I never really realised I should be doing until I was thrust into doing it; by not getting into law, I sent that (dream? I would have once called it that, but now I'm not so sure...) ambition to the back of my mind, instead concentrating on my writing, and actually discovering that there was something that I loved to the point of studying it, just for its pleasure. Although Uni did not turn out to be the all consuming, party experience I expected it to be, I nevertheless started to unearth a group of friends who I felt would stay with me for life. I was happy in my relationship, I was happy with my new and old friends. University itself felt very confusing, the workload sometimes unmanageable and the concepts so new and difficult to grasp; but I made it :)

2008:

Finally, the year that everything fell into place, in terms of academics. I realised that I want to be a journalist, and that I love writing more than I would love the lavish lifestyle I could only get from Law. I made a whole new group of friends, all with similar interests and views, and I completely and irrevocably fell in love with my course. However, as per usual, I once again got lost in terms of love, and watched as my relationship began to unravel. Despite wanting with all my heart to fix it, I could not mend the cracks, and finally, it fell apart. What followed was confusion, pain and a lot more unnecessary commotion which, to this day, is unresolved.

2009:

Still feeling quite confused, but I'm working through it. Happiness will come.

Ok.

Despite the encouragement of a very good and wise friend of mine, I have not being updating my blog with the regularity I hoped to achieve when I re-opened it. This is, of course, partly due to my laziness, but also the unfortunate consequence of working so much I cannot even be bothered to turn on a computer, let alone sit down, ponder my day/life/ whatever it may be, and jot it down as food for thought.

However, today, despite feeling sick and worn out, I had an inspiration; why not write about the joys of creativity and the importance of actually pursuing and working within a field you actually have interest in, rather than settling for a job that only reaps monetary rewards? Seriously, working full time at a brain dead, dreary job, where the only joy comes from asking the customer where she is going tonight, does have its repercussions. For one, not even the money I am making makes it worthwhile, because I know that at the end of the day, I only have a few hours at home to unwind, and then I'm back for round 1000000000000000000000.

So, to all those out there who believe that making money anywhere, from anything and at anytime, and actually have choices not to, is the most important thing in the world, I'd strongly urge you to reconsider, sit down, and follow what you're passionate about. Nothing beats being paid to do what you love.